well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
