uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
oh god the rape fog is back!
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
