worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize