I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
