Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
