Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Girls should come with a carfax report
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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