He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
