I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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