looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
PANTIES FOUND
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