how can u be prego again
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
