I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
