I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
