So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
