I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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