Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
