Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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