if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so that wasnt chicken after all
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
