the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
True college students do jello shots in the library
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