i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
