I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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