my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Randomize
