There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Randomize
