She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
