So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
