I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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