How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you told grandpa to call you daddy
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
