i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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