Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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