First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
