Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
