he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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