my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
