I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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