I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
