OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize