I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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