dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
