It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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