He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
