dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
