My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
