It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
