I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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