Umm I'm too high to move.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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