I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Randomize
