her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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