lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
