I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
