I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
