NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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