she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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