Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
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