i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize
