So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
