My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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