just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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