the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
