Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
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