I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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