I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize