Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
