i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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