Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
