Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
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