I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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