btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
