you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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