1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
