Screwed.edu
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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