I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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