i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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