I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
