No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
