I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
